I pretended to be a master chef today and cooked my magical Creamy Corned Beef Linguine. It was a disaster. I fried sunny-side-up eggs for my friends last week. All the yolks were broken. I never perfected a single fucking fried egg ever. I boiled water this morning. It was prolly the only culinary expression I've ever mastered in my life. I should take further studies on The Art of Boiling Water and become a Master Water Boiler someday. Everybody will hail me Master Tobey Smartass Water Boiler, PhD. I will be talked about and written about and humongous kettles of boiled water will be erected as monuments to commemorate my name and I will be immortalized.

What lovely thought.

I've shirked away from buying a new mountain bike. I thought of buying an old school bike, the ones with those giant slow-turning wheels, and with a basket, headlight, and honk at the front. The bike would be an abstract artwork of gray decay and rust, a relic from the Renaissance. But after mulling it over, I just thought I can't get into another major accident. My last mountain bike accident cost me about Php100,000.00. (Not that I had money. If it weren't for my workaholic millionaire sister I'd be having a face permanently grotesque and distorted with its crushed cheekbone and eye socket bone thingymajigger--I forget what them doctors call it--right now.) I asked permission from my mother, not that I should--I was just fishing for bike money--and she texted her quickest and shortest response: "NO." I asked Metalmouth what her thought was and it was more concise. That I am an absentminded clumsy oaf prone to slip and bump and trip all the time, and not just once but twice or thrice on the same circumstance. Experience is the best teacher--it's the only excuse we have for making mistakes. Besides that, Metalmouth said I'm an accident magnet. Absentmindedness + accident magnet = I'd be chasing my own death.

What sad thought.

I dragged Keolo, my ten-year-old brat nephew, to Mt. Maculot last weekend. Keolo has a body carved from a lifetime devotion to processed meat, chips, and soda. His closest thing to eating vegetables is french fries. He farts as much as he blinks. Besides playing LEGO and ZOOB, his primary hobby is eating, and that includes his nails, the scabs around his fingernails and toenails, and his booger. His favorite trick is entering my room butt-naked and farting at the electric fan, thus diffusing his atomic fart bomb in all parts of my room. I've been trying to rehabilitate the kid by teaching him how to be a Hypergeekazoid--math, science, Futurama, chess, rubiks cubes, and so on. Been fattening his BRAINZELLZ in other words, to compensate for all the disgusting quirks he has.

Sweet kid, this, mind. Sometimes he calls me "Mumma!" and I go like, "You're a fucking bastard child! Get the fuck out my face!" Then he hugs me and tells me "I love you" just to annoy me. I melt inside really--my rectal wastes turn all liquidy. Now I'm teaching him how to climb mountains and love the outdoors and become a freedom-loving adrenaline junkie. When he asked his mother if he can go climb with me, my sister chirped "Okay!" without even thinking. My sister advised Keolo one thing though, saying, "You should learn how to drink GIN." And Keolo was like "wut??" and my sister said, "It'll keep your body warm during the night." And she's right. My sister was a member of Remontados, UP Manila's mountaineering organization, and she took me to my first climb when I was Keolo's age. Even before the climb Keolo was exhilarated. He screamed and ran about the house thrashing his hands in the air, packed his backpack in feckless speed, and couldn't sleep. His five-year-old little sister whined and cried to come along too, and packed her own little backpack with two pairs of clothes inside. Come climb day, his hyperactivity peaked and he raved and ranted in his high-pitched girly voice and ran around exploring the mountain. I took him to the Rockies for sunset viewing and he instantly fell in love with it. At the tongue of the Rockies, one whip of strong wind and it's a quick plunge to death. He braved to stand up at the edge of it and piss at the ravine below. It's prolly the most awesome piss he's ever had in his life.

Keolo is one smart kid and Metalmouth couldn't keep up with his wit. For instance, we were pegging the flysheet on my tent when I ran out of pegs. Metalmouth produced her emergency pegs and Keolo said:

Keolo pointing at the bundle of new pegs: Where did that come from? What's it for?
Metalmouth: It's mine and it's for emergency.
Metalmouth: It's called 'thinking ahead of time'.
Metalmouth: It's called 'preparedness'.
Metalmouth: It's called 'foresight'.
Keolo: It's called 'no one cares about anything you say'.

That killed me. Metalmouth has no imagination and can never ever crack a joke. Every joke she tells out loud is overanalyzed and the rest of us always end in awkward disgruntled laughter. She's also prone to blabber about pointless mountaineering trivia we already know or we don't give a shit about. Now she's exhibiting her climbing wizardry like she always does and it just fucking pisses the shit out of me. Keolo saved my life. I always wanted to say that.:p Stop bossing around and shut your noise hole, for crying out loud. Your piffles suck flying spaghetti noodles. Every time we have a conversation I zone out. Nobody wants to hear your stupid intellectual gobbledeegook.

Or maybe I'm just spending too much time with her.

Word Up

interruptedz
08.04.10 - 13:31

nice one

Alyssa
10.04.10 - 11:00

TOBEEEEYYYYY! Musta na?

I can't fry eggs, even if it's scrambled... haha! I can cook rice though, guess I'm a step ahead of you on that one eh?

I remembered you 'coz tomorrow I go on a hike! Not as grand as yours have been, but it's a hike nonetheless. I can't even believe I'm doing this, I'm going to run out of breath the first mile up! Ack.

wingwangdoodle
11.04.10 - 17:59

you want my wingwangdoodlez?

Tobey
11.04.10 - 23:12

@alyssa: LOL. Dirt is love.:D How was the hike?

@wingwangdoodle: My grandma would like to have your wingwangnoodlez.

metalmouth
12.04.10 - 02:58

gee..that's nice.

Tobey
12.04.10 - 11:55

I thought so too.

f
12.04.10 - 12:00

Braaaains

tine
14.04.10 - 00:32

i go for you spend too much time with her :p

yes naman tobey, astig na tita!

Alyssa
16.04.10 - 14:29

Dear Tobey,
That hike kicked my ass. I had to conquer 620 feet to get to the top of Multnomah Falls... So not prepared. Should I have done some stretching beforehand? I think I pulled a muscle somewhere in between... haha! Anyway, it was really fun but maybe I should get back on getting fit first!

Tobey
17.04.10 - 23:45

Haha. It gets addicting in the long run.:p Screw the stretching. Just do it!:D Do you have snow in mountains up there? Ang init dito! El Nino and all. Jesus.

Alyssa
18.04.10 - 13:27

On others, yeah... but the fun part is that since it's warming up a bit, it's not that freezing anymore... so I heard. Haha. The day I hiked up Multnomah was so perfect, good thing I didn't put more clothing on or else I woulda been dehydrated in no time! Oregon's got tons of places to go hiking on, just gotta take advantage of the place more I guess!

Word did you say?

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