Jesus was a traveling beatnik hippie who smoked pot and advocated world peace. Contrary to popular belief Jesus was sickly-thin and stood only five-foot-three. The first time he walked around preaching against wars and mass manslaughter and whatnot, people threw banana peels and komodo dragons at him. This went about for thirty years. Everybody thought he was loco. Some mental retard crackpot on the loose. Then when he was thirty-seven or something, he thought of an excellent idea. He invented an imaginary being he called "Father" and warned people that he's up in the clouds with a supertelescope and weapons of mass destruction like typhoons and tornadoes and such, and that he's got an awesome silver beard.

Well, just this morning, Jesus possessed my left hand (I'm right handed) and started scribbling notes in my unicorn pony diary. His handwriting was like a kindergarten's by the way. The first few pages are summarized as I've written above. He says he just wants to correct us since we're no longer a bunch of superstitious monkeys. Then he wrote a couple of things about freedom:

FREEDOM. I invented this concept of free will. But really, there is no such thing. All animals have it. Including pygmy rats. It's simply just as natural as lychee. It's just another term for freedom with responsibility really. It's the power to think, speak, and act without externally imposed restraints like TV and Big Brother and Johnny Depp. When you're enslaved like that you're pinned down and restricted to help others out.

Now why would you want freedom when everything is just perfect? Simply put, freedom is better than sex, better than porn and animal porn and kiddie porn combined. Once you have a taste of this natural high, you'll find your own real piece of heaven. I mean really. You must've read some of these in my incomprehensibly thick holy book but here's how to get this freedom thing, updated:

1. Leave all your possessions behind.
2. Live the life of a ninja; subsist on the bare essentials.
3. Your body and your brain are all you'll ever really own in your life.
4. Smash your TV. Smash your radio. Smash your cellphone.
5. Don't buy real estate properties and high maintenance cars.
6. Wake up whenever you want, sleep whenever and as much as you want.
7. Leave pets and plants in the wild.
8. Work on a job you enjoy doing.
9. Venerate the sun. The sun created nature which created you.
10. Respect nature. Goddamn you, she is your mother. Be a tree-hugger.
11. Don't work for someone else.
12. Drugs, booze, cigarettes: do you really have to?
13. Keep your yardstick away; don't measure anything.
14. Cement friendship bonds. Seek people out.
15. Forget the past. Forget the future.
16. No power struggle. No competition. No greed. No desire. Fuck economy.
17. Never subscribe to any belief system, any religion, any system of government. Fuck society.
18. Practice scientific inquiry.
19. Love.
20. Travel as much as you want, on foot or through a book.
21. Create something. Ice sculpture, reggae music, haiku, porn, whatever suits you.
22. Dream. Daydream. Freewrite.
23. Have sex for all you want. Rubber, optional.
24. Melt your senses into the world. Turn nature into your mistress. The simple joys of nature are too good to pass up.
25. To summarize: Spend less. Earn less. Work less. Think more. Live more.
26. Once you've done all these you'll feel so good there's no other way to express it but to infect others with your kickass goodness.

Blunt and pointed, this list isn't as heart-wrenching as my parables. I thought I'd write a parable about the ant and the grasshopper told through the eyes of the grasshopper but dropped the idea. People will think Cheska here just made it all up. So blah. Adios amigos. There's this hot virgin nun with massive tits two blocks away. Divine intervention if you will. I have yet to produce the Antichrist.

Cheerio!
Jesus

It only took ten minutes or something then my left hand went cold. I pinched it but the skin stayed pinched. I didn't feel anything. After a moment my right hand grabbed the pen and scrawled in my unicorn pony notebook right after Jesus' scribbledeegooks. He said he was Hitler and had a story to tell about his mustache. But that I'll reserve for another day.

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