Movie: Eagle Eye
Rating: 3/5

WARNING: SPOILER LOOMING AHEAD. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

Ambitious movie that sets your expectations on fire then souses it off with a swimming pool of piss. It's got the same theme with George Orwell's 1984 and Animal Farm, Alan Moore's Watchmen, and the monstrously glorified science fiction movie Equilibrium. (And I take "monstrously glorified" an oxymoron. Monstrous because it's atheistic; glorified because it's beyond the kulangot of The Matrix. Well. Whatever.XP) The theme being: Who watches the watchmen? Who the fuck watches The Big Brother? The government? Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Literally meaning, Who guards the guardians?

Apparently I have some sort of fetish for utopian-slash-dystopian societies.XP

When I watched Equilibrium I was cursing "holy shit," "holy fuck," and "putanginang asteeeeeeeeeeeeg" every thirty seconds or so while thrashing at Lizard like a boxing bag. In Eagle Eye I was mouthing expletives every minute at the first few scenes then the unprintables decelerated to the reverse direction of earth's gravitational pull such that when you penetrate the atmospheric strata and float in outerspace you're stuck in inertia. Witty first few scenes. Beyond that everything atrophies. Fell "in like" with Jerry Shaw (Shia LaBeouf of Transformers and Disturbia) specially at the poker scene and at the photocopier shop where he works. In one conniving comment he says to a poker player something like, You have a girlfriend? Yeah. How long you been together? Couple of months. Do you fuck each other? Somewhat. Somewhat? What kinda fucking answer is that? You fuck her? Yes. We're going on a date later, man. I gotta go; I'm losing... I know you. You're the type of guy who brings his girl down a blockbuster and eat some popcorn and burgers and drinks, then you go home sit on the couch, have sex. Right? But blockbusters and popcorn and all that shit isn't what girls really want. Why do you think they dress up like that? Put those makeup on? Look pretty and all that crap? They want you to take them out fancy. A nice restaurant. Expensive meal. Dim lights, soft music. They want you to show them off, that's what they really fucking want. So you put your last money on the table and win this game. ...and poker player tosses his crumpled money on the table and flips his cards. Two kings. He shrieks in victory. Jerry flips his cards with two aces. Poker player loses. Good bye fancy date. But beyond this scene everything else is anticlimactic.

The American government and the whole American nation are puppeteered by an omniscient and omnipotent godlike conscious artificial intelligence called The Big Brother who transgressively speaks with a robotic female voice. Reminds me of John Twelve Hawks' novel The Traveler, another kickass gem of forgotten literature. The keyword is consciousness. Which killed The Big Sister's character because it blurred the distinction between her human and robot qualities. And our two protagonists are in the same way tied to strings and manipulated by this artificial intelligence. So beyond the first few scenes, the characters have limited freedom to act on their own, making them stock characters which bored the fucking shit out of me. The movie's lurking with holes Sister C and Bayaw C failed to recognize however I point them (holes) out to them (Sister and Bayaw). They holy-shitted at the movie at a grand spectacular level similar to Transformers'. Denial. The movie's so good they wouldn't acknowledge its glaring defects.

Just what the fuck is up with The Big Sister? What's her plan exactly? I gather she wants to exterminate the president and the senate, but whhhyyyyy? I know the President fucked up when he stupidly fired a missile to a horde of suspected terrorists. Just because of that one impolitic decision, The Big Sister plunges into a throe of reclaiming order in the society. Stupid Big Fucking Sister. What's her motivation, her desire to scheming all these things up? I mean, what's at stake for her? What's in it for her? If it's mentioned in the movie, it wasn't me who failed to get that fucking point. According to my own biased judgment, I am an intelligent human being who has the IQ level of a Promil kid. It's the director, producer, scriptwriter, actors, the whole film department behind it who failed to put that message across. Big Sister, she's the most reprehensible character in the movie. Two-dimensional, stereotypical, underdeveloped. The big picture practically crumbles into molecular stupidity. Then again, smashing effects! But all those cosmetics are bullshit given a bullshit script and bullshit characters, not to mention the bullshit plot.

Hex, the crystal bomb cut into diamonds, the characters are brought up (more like forced) into the whole plot to plant two crystal bombs in some convention where government leaders are supposed to be decimated. Stupiiiiiiiiiid. Why can't Big Sister just kill those key figures one by one? Besides, she has the power to manipulate all automated machines including planes, trains, cranes, cellphones, traffic lights and the like. Why go through all the motions when you can just pick up a random stranger on the street and force him into planting the bombs? And the whole injectible heartbeat decelerator when the lead characters board the plane, why go through the whole fight scene just to get those gunlike heartbeat retarders? Why do they have to be confined in a claustrophobic metal box in the plane? They're not hiding from anybody in the aircraft. Pressure levels have no bearing with their breathing mechanism. Why does Jerry have to stand on the table and fire a gun to stop the bomb? When the guards plant bullets in his body, I really liked it that he should've died. Deus ex machina. Boring character needs to die because there's no other way to end the movie other than hard sell into making you cry. But you know what's more fucking irritating? Jerry survives. He gets a hero medal for saving the leaders and he falls in love with whatsername, the girl. By this point I just wanted to hurl my half-finished Sprite at the big screen.

I hate UP and everything it taught me. I hate criticism. Before I learned to criticize literature, I swallowed everything with bouncing enjoyment. Ignorance is bliss. Knowledge isn't power. I am Dostoevsky's The Grand Inquisitor.

Gaaaaaaaaaad. Fish & Go's Scallopini is my new fav food!XD Orgasmic at the tongue I tell you! I can trade it off with sex.XD Wahahahaha. Advert plug, holy shit.XD

School is nearly over. Wahoooo! I have nine goddamn longass academic papers to write in two weeks. Ogogog.XP Where's my shotgun??

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