Provoked by the huge inflamed pus-filled zit that exploded with pale yellow sludge on the right side of my nose bridge days ago, I sought the same omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent god-incarnate deity who answers all my questions: Google.

Enter keyword: ACNE

I have read somewhere that large pores are irreversible. And other than curing my punctured, red and swelling zit now throbbing and coagulating with white stuff and blood on the surface, I wanted to have a perfectly tight poreless skin without those post-zit scars and craters the size of the moon's. Face it, everybody wants a flawless face closeup, virtually without any photoshop manipulation when photographed. And on the very first link on the Google search engine, the elixir to my lifelong obsession with skin perfection (not obsessed really; after all these post-burn scars and tattoos, I'd rather have a body replacement.) unfurled right before my very squinting eyes: Acne.org.

Acne.org's philanthropist proponent Daniel Kern, armed with love for humanity and the unwavering drive to construct a zit-free utopia, was psychologically plagued and tormented by acne himself for twelve years. Having found the panacea for all forms of schrecklich acne and illumined by the book The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Dan devoted himself to amassing a large database on every imaginable topic about acne and propagated an internet maelstrom of a similarly zit-plagued community. With it came the simple solution that ought to be followed rigorously, if not, incorporated in one's personal hygiene along with toothbrushing and nailcutting. The regimen is called, well, The Regimen.

Before incorporating The Regimen into your daily mantra, you have to strictly follow these rules:

• Treat The Regimen your bible. Follow it religiously, memorize it, sing it, dance it, dream of it, carve it on a stone tablet and place it near your bathroom mirror. Strictly follow it down to every instruction, twice a day, twelve hours apart, and don't surrender for at least a month before snarling it didn't work for you.
• Do not touch your face.
• Disinfect your hands before touching your face otherwise.
• Do not pick or prick your zits; let it explode by itself.
• Cut your hands so you don't pick or prick your zits.
• Smash all your mirrors to cut all depression.
• Channel your zit-related angst to other concerns, like your orange-peel cellulites, breast size, or phallus size.
• Bear in mind that your skin will look like a porcelain doll's in two to three months.
• Your skin is hideous, YUCK. You should consider suicide.
• I'd like to add more but that's all I can think of.

On to The Regimen! Copy-pasted from the site. Click the link to view the video demo.

The Regimen

Step One

Gentle face wash: A gentle face wash will help prepare your skin for benzoyl peroxide. Removing surface oils allows the benzoyl peroxide to penetrate more easily. Washing very gently helps avoid irritation. While scientists and doctors do not know exactly what causes acne, we do know that irritation alone can make it worse.

Step Two

Plenty of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide: Benzoyl peroxide oxygenates skin. Acne bacteria cannot live in oxygenated environments. Benzoyl peroxide is also a mild drying and peeling agent which is thought to help keep pores from clogging. On the Regimen you'll be using 2.5% benzoyl peroxide because clinical studies have shown it is just as effective as 5% and 10% but much less irritating. Remember, irritation alone can aggravate acne. I found that using lots of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide is incredibly effective. Why apply so much? Nobody knows for sure why this works so amazingly well but myself and thousands of others have had great success using this method. My theory is that applying more simply allows it to penetrate more deeply into the skin.

Step Three

Good moisturizer: Because you'll be using lots of 2.5% benzoyl peroxide, your skin will most likely be dry and a little flaky. Applying a good moisturizer will help keep your skin in balance and allow you to go out into public with non-flaky, normal looking skin.

My choice of Regimen

1. Hand wash: Med Guard Antibacterial Hand Soap

2. Facial wash - should be fragrance free, in liquid form, mild, pH neutral, soap-free.

My choice: Clearasil Daily Face Wash
Alternative: use your mother's vaginal wash

3. Oxygenating agent (Benzoyl Peroxide) - should be in clear gel form

My choice: PanOxyl 2.5% Gel
Alternative: suicide

4. Moisturizer - should be hypo-allergenic, non-comedogenic, dermatollogically tested, water-based, oil-free, in clear gel form

My choice: Celeteque Facial Moisturizer

Total Cost: no more than Php700.00. Cheap, superb.XD

Alright! Alright!

I don't give a flying blackhead what I look like, really, but having clear skin might just prolly bag me a fifteen-second fame on a facial cleanser commercial.XP That is all I really want to achieve in life.XP All my energy, time, money, consciousness--my life--from hereon now shall be spent on the reification of my idea of the paragon of poreless skin. As of now I simply must accept that am no more than a facial cleanser commercial reject.

Oh, crabs don't have pores. And I almost forgot, Merry Fucking Christmas.

Word did you say?

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